This is Part 3 in the Managing Your Wife series, which has dealt previously with emotional outbursts, and finances.
It is almost a stereotype that after a couple has been married for some years, the wife balloons up in size, and makes herself quite unattractive to him, and quite unhealthy. You don’t have to look far to find real life stories that meet this cultural model, and as usual, the husband in the marriage feels as if there is little he can do about it. Men have either been taught they are “friends” with their wife, or they’ve been taught the laid back, sissified version of headship, where they really do not jump in and tell their wives what to do. Either one of those bad ideas leave men helpless in the face of this and other problems. They may have other things in their lives which make them content, but their wives are not one of them.
Since marriage in reality includes real authority by the husband, only misinformed husbands will think they have nothing they can do when it comes to their wives’ weight or health. A husband who knows his authority will understand that he manages his wife with real rules and commands, and he can use that in any domain in life. He is not helpless to watch his wife let herself go like that, and no longer be attractive at all. A man certainly does not need his wife to look like a model or a fitness freak, but he has every right to expect her to be attractive to him, and reasonably healthy. He should not be repulsed by the idea of making love to her, or be shocked by the woman she has become. He simply steps in and can fix a problem if he sees it arising.
The most obvious ways to ensure that a wife doesn’t abuse food, and spend too much time in inactivity, is to respond when the problem arises with either an exercise routine for her, a diet, or both. He should make sure she is able to spend more time with activities on her feet, and cut out any excessive sitting around. He should be aware of what her eating habits are, and cut out any excess, or supremely fattening foods. She should not be hiding food or sweets to eat whenever she feels like it. Sweets should not be a daily thing. A man who is running a household to honor God, will make sure that both he and his wife fast from time to time, which also has health benefits. Just refrain from food or any high calorie drinks for a full day or more, and the benefits both spiritual and physical are very good.
I’ve never had to monitor this kind of thing too highly in my home. I’ve never had to put my wife on a diet. I did once, early in our marriage, catch her hiding a stash of sweets in the closet. I quickly made her get rid of it, and since she knows the rules of our home, I spanked her for disobeying them. That’s the only time. It helps in not having to worry too much about health that we generally all keep on our feet. We don’t spend much time on the couch. We don’t watch television. The children spend plenty of time outdoors. My wife and I work in the garden, and I do other yard work. We fast. We may have big dinners most of the time, but we limit sweets to certain occasions, avoid sodas, and eat many fruits and vegetables. If you lead an active lifestyle, and don’t overindulge, it’s really not hard to avoid serious obesity.
A husband’s management of his wife’s health includes making sure that she deal responsibly with any health problems or medications. She should not refuse medication when needed, and she should receive any needed treatment for her conditions. This is not a problem for most couples. However, a wife who is irresponsible, or who has a negative attitude towards treatment, may place herself in danger by rejecting it. In my own life the only people I have met who responded like that were Pentecostals, who without any evidence, had been told they’d been cured of a disease by a “healer.” They literally threw out their medicine, or they stopped seeing their doctor. Yet they still had the disease or injury, and saying it was gone did not make it gone. I realize there are some medical treatments whose effects are minimal, or which are even pseudo scientific at best, but in general organic illnesses and injuries do need treatment. This is especially true if they are serious, where letting the body handle it would be much riskier, and involve a longer time to heal and much more pain.
The opposite is also true. When it comes to health — whether spiritual, mental, or physical — a man needs to assure his wife is not pumping herself full of needless pills, or abusing mind altering drugs. She should not be popping medication simply to feel good. This is practically epidemic in the West, where anyone who is diagnosed, often immediately, with a mental problem is put on medication. It could be stress. It could be tiredness. I could be sadness. They can medicate nearly any negative feeling, and much of it simply is not necessary. Some of it is habit forming, and has various dangerous side effects. A husband needs to make sure that any medication is necessary, for a real illness, and not simply to feel good. The human soul is meant to deal with any number of bad experiences in life, and it is normal and natural to have some negative emotions. Feeling bad is not a disease. When we rely on God, the human soul, love, and the community, we often find peace throughout any trials we undergo. Medicating unhappiness is not a necessity, and it can be bad for the health.
A wife should not abuse drugs or alcohol either. She should drink in moderation if she does at all. With alcohol, it is also important that she only drink in an environment of virtue, such as around close family, and not in an environment in which men would seek to take advantage of her. If she is drinking outside the home, the husband should be with her. Whether at home our elsewhere, he needs to make sure she does not go beyond a reasonable limit, which is easy for some women, and hard for others. Much possible abuse of alcohol and some “soft” drugs can be easily dealt with by the husband’s authority, through his counsel, household rules, or discipline. However, in the case of serious addiction, it is common that he may need other help, and other techniques to remove her from the grip of a substance which enslaves her. The human will should be free to act, and not domineered by a chemical.
My wife recently has been asking me if she thinks she is getting fat. This is the first time in many years. In essence, it asks if she is no longer as skinny as she once was. I assured her, in all honesty, that it’s normal for a woman to have a little padding, and she’s just not as skinny anymore. God designed women to have a few curves. If I thought it was unattractive, or unhealthy, I said I’d tell her. The standards of beauty or health are not to be rail thin. However, I also told her if I thought you were getting big in any unattractive way, or dangerously obese, I would tell you immediately, and I’d put you on an exercise regimen and run your butt around the block*. It’s as simple as that. Any man can do that in their marriage if they see the problem arise. He should be pleased by the sight of his wife, and not repulsed by it. He also has a serious responsibility when it comes to her health.
*In many areas it is safer to run your butt on a treadmill, since actually running it around the block might get you abducted, robbed, raped, or killed.
When women are not motivated to stay healthy, or look decent for their husbands, that is where discipline can come into play. Even a wife who is willing to live a healthier lifestyle often gives up on a diet, or is too lazy to get more physical activity. A husband’s firm hand or paddle on the behind is an excellent motivator. It cuts through any excuses or procrastination, in this arena or any other. If a wife has been breaking the rules of her eating or exercise, she will learn there are immediate and serious consequences for it. Health or weight are usually long-term projects. Once the man sets the goals, he can check up on his wife once a week and make sure she is staying on schedule, and meeting those goals. If she has been falling seriously short, a spanking will give her the motivation she needs to proceed. Long-term goals require perseverance, and the rewards are not always immediate for your hard work. It is easy to slack in the long run. With regular review, and a trip over his knee as required, a woman will have a better chance to stay on track for her success.
There is reason for warning not to set some very high or artificial standard for the body. This is unreasonable. The world is full of ridiculous beauty ideals, and it is much trouble, money, and anxiety to try and live up to them. It may be the standard of being thin. It may be to look like a plastic doll. It may be to have artificially grand boobs, or have a shelf for a butt. It may be to pay a surgeon to enhance your cheek bones. These things are not of great importance, so trying to match the cultures model, or a personal model, gets to be way too much. Looking decent should not amount to a part-time job of body alterations, constant dieting, hair dyes, perms, and expensive products that take up half of the bathroom. A man’s standards for his wife should be simple, and rely on the nature that God gave his wife. She should not have to make radical changes to her body, except where it means healing or improving her health. God provides the beauty a woman needs by the incredible design He gave her, and by the light of goodness which she has when she lives a holy life. These things are amazingly beautiful, and a man ought to be in awe at them. He should be attracted to her without a great deal of manipulation and beauty products. He should recognize how they only get in the way. A man should love his wife’s natural beauty and the goodness of her soul.
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