A woman soon to be married has a life of following her loving husband coming up, and will receive his guidance and his correction. However, for a woman who has been unable to find a husband, or who finds herself widowed, that kind of leadership is usually lacking in our society, and many women crave it. They consider perhaps going to a “dom” to be able to have rules and discipline in their lives. Others try using a discipline system on themselves, albeit as a reluctant choice. What are the options in such a situation, and which ones are good options? I’d like to explore that topic today.
Firstly, I need to say, this situation does not need to be as common as it is. If more couples were marrying, and they did not wait too long to marry, women would be under the headship they need. Their craving for a man’s power, and for his correction would be soon fulfilled. The great number of women without such a head is in large part a result of the culture. This should change. Women should seek out marriage early. They should not waste many years with extra education, career, and lifestyle immorality. Plan for marriage early, and you will have your head.
However, considering that she often does have years without a husband, for whatever reason, she may consider differing ways to acquire the leadership and correction she needs. This is a basic human need, and women especially want to submit, and to be humbled, finding the experience very attractive. It fulfills a longing in the soul. The options are out there apart from marriage, but not all of them are good, safe options. Let me bring up several of them.
Self-Punishment: A woman may consider designing a system of rules, and when she breaks them, punish herself. This strategy requires the self-discipline to actually go through with it, and the courage to give oneself what could be a very undesirable punishment. Some will self-spank when they break the rules, despite the challenge of delivering pain to yourself, or even invest in “spanking machines,” although their quality and effectiveness looks doubtful to me. Modern discipline apps like Obedience, which I’ve written on, give the user an easy handle on remembering the rules, and when a punishment or reward is deserved. Self-punishment does have its limitations though. It is difficult for the mind to play both role of head and helper, and punishing yourself does not bring the same humbling as being punished by a man does, nor does it instill that sense of submission. There is no “other” to submit to. It will never do the job all the way, kind of like trying to tickle yourself. Self-punishment may do some good though, and despite its limitations, I am not against it.
Growth as a Woman: What I frequently tell women who are married, but whose husbands will not discipline them or are too soft, is that they should work on their growth as a woman of God by themselves. Even without clear leadership and discipline that is possible. The same goes for single women who have no head over them. They can nurture their femininity and submission. They can practice respectful speech, and start showing men honor with their words. They can learn to be a helper to others. They can learn to meekly apologize. They can work on ridding themselves of bad habits. They can develop a gentle tone of voice. Over time, this will definitely prepare women for marriage, so they’ll have a head start, and their future husband will be impressed with their wonderful attitude. It is the nurture of the gentle and quiet spirit within them. When they slip up and do wrong, they should immediately confess their sin to God and ask forgiveness. If they wronged another person, they should confess personally to him, and ask forgiveness. They may not have a man formally as their head, but God is their head. They always have a loving Father over them, whom they can turn to, speak to, and obey. As they learn to obey His will for them, that will help them obey their husband, when they come to such a joyful occasion.
The Father as Head: In an older culture, and in some parts of the world today, a young woman would stay under her father’s headship until she got married. That would mean she had a man setting the rules for her, and holding her accountable for years before marriage. Naturally, he could use spanking to punish her too, although some families believe in ending spanking sometime in young adulthood. Even if he chose to phase out spanking eventually, he could correct her with other forms of discipline. This wouldn’t work for most widowed women though, since in those instances her father would likely have passed away, or be too old to manage her diligently. Many women have grown up independent from their parents once they reached a certain age. However, there is nothing stopping a woman from telling her father that she accepts his headship, and then choose to come back under his authority, assuming she is still unmarried. Some fathers would be surprised and honored to have her back. A father’s leadership would solve a lot of problems, and make women more manageable.
Church Help: Even in this secular culture, you can find the occasional church which accepts the use of spanking on adults. In such a case, though it may require some courage, a woman could ask to be held accountable by the pastor, or other leaders within the church. She could express her need for guidance, explain her behavioral problems and weaknesses, and ask to be punished as a part of correction. Correction, as with a husband, would involve more than a mere spanking, but also instruction and loving restoration. One disadvantage of this approach, when one finds a pastor who will accommodate, is that the intimacy of spanking is simply inappropriate for a man to do with a woman who is not his wife. This problem may be overcome in two ways. One, a pastor may have another woman present during the correction to watch it, and deliver the spanking above the offender’s clothing. Two, he may oversee the spanking, but have it actually delivered by a lady in the church, perhaps his own wife. I believe many women would respond to this kind of correction, especially since it comes from an honored figure, and one who gives her loving spiritual guidance. It’s normal to feel like a son or daughter to a pastor. It should only be remembered that most pastors are extremely busy with all their responsibilities. That means that delivering discipline would only be for the more severe bad behavior. Very close personal management would have to be done some other way.
I have to add, I do not recommend single women go to a “dom,” although I know that is the option some women choose. A dom is an invented role, not found normally in society, or among biblical heads. It is fabricated authority, apart from any structured or long-term role. The dom, not being married to her, does not have a right to be so intimate with her. Discipline by doms in most instances is very erotic, and frequently includes sex acts. It almost universally involves nudity. Discipline is also a practice which requires much trust, and this is much harder to find in a person who is essentially an acquaintance, than it is in the lifelong bond of marriage. In fact, many doms would have multiple subs, and would be dividing time and attention between them. I have heard from women who had poor experiences looking for such an artificial supplier of discipline, as often their behavior is focused on mere punishment and on sex. It is not focused on a loving relationship. It does not reflect care for their soul. That is in part why it is best to find discipline in marriage, since then it comes united with a lifelong bond of love, in which both man and woman deeply know and trust one another. Some doms also get into extremely sadistic punishments, which most women who desire to be punished for bad behavior would never want to experience. I have to add, if a woman decides to go this route anyway, the safest way is to seek another woman to do it, and make sure it will be non-sexual.
The long-term solution, of course, is to allow legitimate authorities to use corporal punishment more often than we do, and to respect the headship of the father in the family. All of this would assure that when an adult woman needed discipline she could get it, whether from her father, school teacher, pastor, or coach. Eventually she would get married and receive it from her husband, in what I believe is the ideal form. While it’s not the topic of this article, that form of punishment can also be legitimately used on men, if it is coming from the right authority. It would help behavioral problems either way, and also fulfill the soul, every one of which needs loving authority over it. There is a tendency among women to feel kind of jealous knowing that they are missing out on the attractive attention that other women are receiving. This is true of spanking as well. I can only encourage such women to look for a husband, and trust in God until then.
May you have a blessed Christmas season.
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