A lot of women going into being a spanked wife still have worries, even if they have decided this is right and good for them. While everyone has fears, and we learn to overcome them, we don’t want them interfering with submission, or making a wife miserable. Fears can’t be an insurmountable obstacle. What’s most important to know when considering spanking, and needing to face up to your fears, is that they are nearly universal, and married women learn to get past them daily. It is a walk, and requires some learning, but you do it. The same love, trust, and dedication that helps a woman in marriage, will help her in receiving discipline as well, yet even more deeply. All of these things inform her, as she seeks to do what is right, and move forward past any obstacle. She knows her will to submit, and she does it.
Perhaps the most common fear, unique to spanking, is the fear of pain. I’ve written an essay already about facing down a spanking for the first time, but I have to mention it again here. Whatever your fear about actually having a punishment come down on your soft skin, know that you can bear it. You’ve made the decision. You know you’re going to receive it. The Lord will bring you through a very temporary, difficult time. Unlike other parts of the body, the bottom is soft and padded, and is nearly built to take some walloping. It will hurt, but you’re not going to break anything. Dealing with the pain in part comes down to your own self discipline, but other things will help as well. Sometimes vocalizing your remorse to your husband, and letting your tears flow, make it easier to get through a spanking. Letting yourself sink down again to full submission, express your total belonging to your husband, express your deep desire to do good for him, and how you want to be better, and all of this helps take you past the pain and to something higher. I’m not saying it will disappear, but it will pass more easily, and with less resistance from your mind and reactions. It transforms that pain into something better.
There is also a fear beyond the ordinary fear of pain; that of whether your man might go to some extreme in punishing you, and take pain to an unbearable level. Anyone accepting discipline naturally wants to know the one dishing it out has some limits and some self control. A husband should certainly have these qualities. Immunity to this fear comes more heavily down to knowledge and trust in your husband. You know he is not a madman. You know he is self-controlled in punishing you. You know he governs over your life with care for you and to protect you from harm. If you know these things, that deep seated fear of he could lose control and you could be harmed dissipates. That of course is why it’s also good to marry a virtuous man, and also to talk about the nature of discipline beforehand. You should be informed from the beginning that a spanking, even a long and hard one, is not a medieval dungeon. Even if it is harder than you expected, it is not extreme or damaging. Once you know this, especially after you walk for years with your husband, you couldn’t imagine he’d be out of control anyway. You won’t experience this fear anymore.
Even during a spanking, the thought that it might not end anytime soon can rise up. Even a woman who trusts her man to have self control may have fears about the spanking being longer than she can bear. It starts to feel never ending. I would only repeat my earlier point on this fear — that a sense of trust will help you, and an understanding of its good will help you. The fact that millions of wives have managed to bear it lets you know that you can as well. Keep expressing your contrition, and your devotion to your husband, even if your bottom’s getting roasted for longer than you expect. Many athletes undergo hard physical workouts, ones that hurt, and are truly grueling to experience. People who work in labor or the trades push their bodies further than they think they can go, and are often left exhausted, or sore the next day. If we can do all this for a good cause, to accomplish a goal, to refine an individual, then a wife can undergo the pain of a spanking even when it seems it will not end. It’s only a matter of minutes that the strokes come down. It’s not hours. That hardship of not knowing when it will end, and that trust she must have in her husband, is a part of the refinement itself. Let it do its job, and you’ll come out of the flames a better woman.
Despite how common the fear of pain is — and the immediate physical reaction to get away from pain — sometimes it is fears of a soulish nature that predominate. This is not unique to spanking. It relates to living in real committed submission too. For example, a woman might fear giving up some of what she’s used to for her husband, or having to stop habits that she likes. Her man may take wasteful things out of her life. He may make her live more healthily. For some women it’s simply a fear of whether they can obey a command without getting upset. They fear needing to lower themselves, and not making every decision. They fear being out of control:
What if I can’t buy what I like anymore?What if I need to dress differently?What if he makes me stop cussing?
What if my diet is different?What if he won’t listen to what I say?
That challenge is at the heart of marriage. Just as a man gives up much in his life, and sacrifices greatly to have a family, a woman gives up much as well. In this case, it is some amount of autonomous decision making. It is also some habits she likes. It is her ability to go her own way. At the core of overcoming that fear of losing autonomy, is to learn humility and commit the rest of your life to humility. That’s what the Christian should be doing every day anyway, but in this case it is in subjection to a man’s authority, and deeply personal. What law says that you should make every last decision anyway? What law says you deserve to be entirely independent and the source of your own navigation? None at all. It takes giving up that sense that we are in charge, and that we are the boss. It takes adopting a new role and persona. It takes lowering ourselves in the heart, just as we might lower ourselves to our knees. We’re learn we’re not the boss anymore. A woman learn to kneel before her man.
I assure, that despite the fears of loss that come along with this, there is great peace in submission. It is peaceful to know that you don’t have to worry about every decision or solve every issue yourself. It can be comforting to know that a path has been paved before you, that is safe, has guardrails, and is made by one who loves you deeply. It will take you to your destination, and your husband will help carry the burden. As long as you recognize and embrace your station, it’s not hard. It just requires Christian humility and sacrifice. The average believer who comes to Christ in rebirth knows that some of their life will now be trimmed and pruned back by the Shepherd. A wife knows that she will be trimmed back as well, and this is fundamental to the territory she enters — of marriage. The hard places of the heart will be cut away. Unnecessary and wrong parts of our lifestyle will be trimmed. Welcome to marriage.
Over time, there is a beautiful warmth in learning to say — “yes sir.” There is an ease and even and eagerness to say — “it’s your decision, and I trust you.” Many wives are absolutely fulfilled in saying — “I belong to you, I am yours completely.” Well, those are more than mere words. They’re not pillow talk. They point to an objective reality you experience with your husband. That possession by your husband, that being under his rule, means much of your life will be guided by him, and there are naturally decisions you turn over to him. He is the final authority in all things beneath God. Rather than fear it, look to find the joy in it. There is an abundance of joy for the modest heart. The meek wife experiences love and protection. Her man leads her and adores her.
I’ve heard from a few women who are challenged uniquely by another fear: the fact their husband might ask them to leave behind their career. Sadly, not many husbands do this, but there are some, including this author who do. A woman might ask herself, “Isn’t that MY territory? Isn’t my work beyond his authority? What right has he?” Well your husband might not be the boss at the workplace, but you are under his authority in your life. Your husband is responsible to make sure you are doing your job as a wife, and that you are growing as a woman of God. He needs to reign you in from evil as well. That means if he decides it, you leave behind that personal goal of career for something better in the home. You don’t belong to yourself but to your husband. For many women a career gets in the way of household harmony, submission, and even intimacy with her husband, making it a barrier to the purposes of marriage. Not only that, but the wife’s role in motherhood and homemaking is explicitly taught in Scripture. It is also made known through natural law in our differences as men and women. So not only CAN your husband decide this, but He SHOULD decide it, because the spiritual health of the home is the man’s responsibility. He needs to make sure the home is godly, and that includes having the wife, mother, and homemaker doing her job. Your husband is faithful to God when he has you leave behind your “dream” job, just as when he leads the home in prayer, ethics, or charity. He is being godly, and you have to obey. Life is not about our personal desires anyway. Life is about pleasing God.
A further fear about life in submission, and about accepting discipline, is lack of acceptance by society. Women in the West are compulsively taught to do the same things as men, and are taught to look down upon women who are soft and gentle, and who obey their husbands. They are taught they can do everything a man does, and that they should. Not only do they deal with a prick to the pride when they need to obey, but they deal with embarrassment if the secular world sees them openly obey their husbands. They deal with possible loneliness of the lifestyle. These fears are natural, and reflect real hardships currently. If you feel this, you are not alone. The hate that comes from this society is one reason you will need to be committed to your life. You are sincerely doing what you believe. No one’s opinion will change that. If someone expresses surprise, or ridicule, that you obey your husband, simply turn that around, and show what a good thing that is. Be proud of the fact you help your husband, and desire to make him happy. Be proud of the fact you are his assistant, and dwell peacefully under him. Be able to explain that this is good, and a source of great marital blessing and peace. You have no shame in doing your man’s will. He is your man. A woman should have shame in rebellion. She should not have shame in submission.
The experience of being spanked, however, can be unique. That’s because nearly everyone in the West today is private about this practice. That’s not the way it ideally should be — I believe it should be normal — but its reception in society is so poor most spanking relationships are private. That means if you want counsel, or company, you learn to receive it online, typically anonymously. I know that doesn’t sound satisfying to the ear, but very good connections form that way. Long-term relationships form that way. People receive aid, advice, comfort, and joy that way. Occasionally, these anonymous relationships become open, and marital discipline couples reveal their identity, and end up meeting in person. That’s a personal choice if you want to take that risk, but it does happen, and with many good results. The key in overcoming some of the hardships of a life as a disciplined wife is in believing in what you do, and in having some positive human contacts, even online. I’ve had several long-term communications since I started this website, and they have born good fruit. I enjoy hearing from those people, and find our bond satisfying. I look forward to meeting more of you, and seeking to be a friend, guide, and mentor to you. You are not alone.
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