Casual readers who hear about wife spanking are often quick to jump on potential problems with it. Even if they are generally accepting, they seem sure that someone’s going to do something wrong, and the practice is fraught with physical or emotional peril. This is a great exaggeration of course. But it also stems from only seeing a small piece of the picture, one which misses the many other options couples try, and the inevitable problems which occur down those roads, roads without real authority or discipline. One cannot be overly concerned with potential harm from a spanking when one has fully examined the much greater and I believe much more frequent harm which comes from a lack of leadership in marriage.
As many couples would tell you, spanking has helped keep their marriages nearly free of problems other homes suffer from. Others began headship and discipline only after those problems had arisen, with dragon-like ferocity, and found that spanking truly brought things to peace. It quelled the beast. That is why it has helped countless marriages avoid far worse damage that might occur from imperfections in a discipline system. A useful tool, even if it may be used wrongly at times, is still a useful tool, and is used to repair and construct glorious things many times over. I have never once regretted bringing spanking into my marriage, and can easily imagine the difficulties without it as an effective punishment.
One of the most obvious problems that occurs all the time in egalitarian households is the battle of wills. This is often characterized by hot friction; that is by fighting and screaming, and at times physical violence. Husbands and wives scream at each other across the house, they cuss, and otherwise insult each other. Fights have nothing in common with loving discipline but are very sorry and out-of-control affairs in which both spouses are usually left miserable. Violence includes throwing things, breaking stuff (possibly stuff belonging to your beloved), shoving, slapping, or punching the other in anger. People often assume physical violence is a man’s affair, but this is wrong. Not only did the feminist change in the culture the past century greatly increase violence and crime by women, but one recent study found that about 70% of unreciprocated acts of domestic violence are by the woman, not by the man. If marriage is a battle of two personalities, other than a rare couple which just manage to be gentle about every disagreement, some degree of fighting is bound to occur. Of that fighting which does occur, some will truly be dangerous, not at all comparable to a self-controlled spanking, but comparable to a bar fight or a stabbing. Out of control angry violence is a poor replacement for loving discipline. Marriage is not meant to be a battle of two wills, or a balance of two personalities. When you try to do that it’s a recipe for conflict and misery most of the time. Chaos and friction are a truly predictable result.
Similar to the hot firefight of many marriages, the egalitarian marriage equally suffers a cold front. The cold war of passive aggressive tactics to hurt the other, of bitterness and resentment from a wrong. Such anger hidden inside is always looking for ways to get back at the other, even in small slights, and it creates an often loveless, and at times miserable day to day environment. Man or wife may stew in their bitterness in silence, and refuse to speak to the other. There is a quiet war going on. Old scores are never settled. Memories of wrongs from years ago are kept alive. Husband and wife each look at the other as if something is wrong with them, and wish they had something more in life. This warfare equally points to the flaw of having a marriage without loving authority, and without discipline. It simply pits two persons against the other when there is a disagreement, and lets their personalities and wills decide fate. That is not how marriage was ever meant to be, and it causes misery, and broken homes. We are meant to rely rather on a God-given and natural order, rather than an unstable foundation of personality.
Imagine if you will a home life of unhappiness. A place where husband comes home and does not see the battles of the work day ended. He sees more battles arise. The wife is not on his side. She disrespects him. The children see they are divided and take advantage of it. Communication is either completely unloving, or a tit-for-tat exchange, that tears everyone down. There is no one there to build you up, but only to tear you down. Imagine how easy it is to consider getting out of that situation; to find some flaw in your vows; to become certain you’d been fooled into marrying the one to whom you said “I do”; to simply give up and start planning for a new life and a new family. Countless couples do that simply because they do not possess the structure God designed marriage to have and are suffering the bad results.
Couples who have embraced a marriage with no true headship suffer multiple other evils. They have to live with the guilt of what they have done to their spouse, remembering their unkind words, and cruel acts. It lives inside them every day, buried, and waiting to arise in the next conflict. It is a sin from which they never seem to be free. They further feel bad about themselves, absorbing the blows of the insults and disrespect of their spouse, to become bruised and self-loathing inside. Couples with much conflict also often suffer from a lack of sex for extended periods, as the marriage bed becomes a battle ground, being used only to give rewards, and being withheld to punish the other. If husband and wife grow to despise one another, the act to becomes despicable and undesirable. They are stuck living together, but as a pair that looks very different from man and wife.
Let us not forget the many habits and wrongs which discipline corrects, and the harm they would cause in a marriage when they are never addressed. That could be a wife who is out drinking, or who neglects her children. Should these continue endlessly, or be unaddressed? It could be a wife who takes on the man’s role instead of the woman’s, preaching in church, finding her life outside the home, making herself look in appearance more like a man as well. It could be her irresponsible habits and the practical and financial problems they cause for the household. These disappear shortly with discipline, but are ruinous at times when there is no effective measure to stop them. Many wives, without their man’s leadership, get married and let themselves blow up like a balloon, a detriment both to their health and to their man’s attraction to them. All of these wrongs and more can be dealt with and corrected by a husband’s firm hand. Left alone without the right guidance, they are all a harm for the household and for society. No husband should need to stand their passively, and be incapable of handling them.
The final end for many marriages is the end of divorce. This is true of nearly half of marriages in America, and Christians are not far from this societal norm either. They divorce and remarry epidemically, despite that the Bible teaches this is sin. To worry about the possible negative consequences of marital spanking and ignore the tumult, conflict, and divorce that occurs in countless marriages without it is to completely fail to see the whole picture. Divorce is as violent as it gets, by the way. Almighty God calls it an act of violence in the prophets, which covers the garments with blood. It could be compared to slowly sawing a man in two, as one flesh is attempted to be ripped apart into two again. The pain, the terrible results for the children, and the frequency of violence, murder, and suicide around the time of a divorce also testify to its wrongness and its sin. It is one of the worst things that can ever happen to a man in life.
These evils and other problems that arise are very well taken care of by man’s authority and his use of discipline. When used justly and with love, they are essential to marriage, and very important to having household joy and peace. Man and wife do not need to battle things out. The man is in charge. His wife understands that he makes the decisions, and he knows to care for her good, and is willing to hear her counsel. The structure alone makes marriage impervious to numerous battles, and the long-lasting negative results of them. She is there to help him and the follow what he says, and not to do battle with him. Discipline further keeps the peace, and puts conflict in the past very quickly. Disrespect and badmouth by a wife is ended very soon with punishment. Women who want to reject their man’s decisions or make an argument over everything learn they will end up with a burning backside, so they learn other behavior instead. They learn to be there to help their husband, to speak gently, to stop trying to tell him what to do. Similarly, guilt is put in the past even faster than fighting and bad behavior is. A spanking deals with the wrong, and alleviates the guilt. Criticism is constructive, and is not a put-down. The problem is in the past, and she is in right standing with her husband, to return to being his helper, never to be judged for that wrong again. Judgment and punishment is brief, and when it is over, she is free. That’s why many couples who spank will tell you both of the long-term peace it brings, as well as the short-term feeling after the punishment is over, which restores her to gentleness, and feels like a peaceful silence.
This is all important to remember if you feel challenged by the difficulties in building a marriage with authority and submission. It should be remembered when you think the risks of discipline may be great. They are honestly much greater on the other side. That is in marriages which are openly egalitarian, or in which headship is nominal, and cannot practically be enforced. Those marriages suffer the damages of regular fighting, verbal and physical. They create an environment in which hostility and friction is nearly inevitable. They are not free of violence, some of which is horrific, and frequently end in divorce. Women go off and do their own thing, and even if it causes trouble on end, there is no one to stop it. Men know they are not in charge. They know they cannot get what they want. Long lingering resentment and bitterness for harms past is not rare, even occurring over many years. That’s why many men do not wish to marry, and view it inevitably as a losing game. It is that misery and more that ought to lead more couples to establish their marriage on a very different order, one of headship and submission. It is far less burdensome, and less risky, than society’s alternative.
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