This is another guest article from a lady Indian reader. It is a description of marriage and discipline in traditional Hindu culture in India, as well as details of her own personal home life. It speaks a great deal about what home life is like, both as a child growing up and in marriage. While the description contains some family elements which I do not teach, they are a significant part of that culture, and it is good to respect that they are a part of what holds their marriages together. I’d encourage you to read and understand the culture with an open mind, and also choose to respect traditional marriage in India, which has worked for thousands of years, generally much better than it does in our culture. It deserves your respect, whether you agree with all of it or not. I am grateful to know this couple and I always learn something from their writings.
So many of your American commenters are offended by [slapping]. There’s no need. The slap is the commonest form of discipline. Parents slap their kids. Husbands slap their wives. It’s disrespect only when the wife hits her husband. Some of these details about me you already know. I just want to give you a more detailed account of how things are in my family.
Mind you, this in no way reflects the whole country. However, by and large, husband’s authority in the home is generally accepted and discipline is practiced in at least 60% of the marriages. All I wish to say about those who don’t practice discipline and the liberals and feminists who insist on calling discipline abuse is this: Please mind your own business. Women like me in traditional marriages who get disciplined by our husbands are NOT being abused. We understand we are subject to our husband’s authority and accept the correction willingly. My husband has every right to discipline me as he sees fit when HE feels it’s needed and I as his wife accept it willingly. It’s that simple.
So please stop trying to lecture to all of us and “creating awareness” about “domestic violence.”
My upbringing
I’d like to start this part by talking about my P a little bit. She was the youngest of 11 children, 9 of whom survived into adulthood. Her parents weren’t well to do and when the proposal of a widower with 2 daughters came through, they agreed to get her married to him, even though he was almost 20 years older than her. She was 16 when she got married. T’s daughters from his first marriage, my aunts, were 8 and 5 at that time. She couldn’t actually be a stepmother to them because of the small age gap. She told me all this during the hours I used to spend with her every evening. She couldn’t relate to them as mother and daughter. She gave birth to 3 sons, Appa being the oldest. So he has 2 older sisters, although they are technically half-sisters, and 2 younger brothers. She had always longed for a daughter of her own. So when Appa got married and I was born, she asked Appa if she could have her say in how I was raised. Appa agreed. Essentially, she wished to raise me as her own child, but since I was her granddaughter, the balance had to be maintained. So she visited us often and although she had gifts for L and S as well, she marked me out for special attention. When I was about 10, T passed away and P came to live with us. Appa and Amma gave an entire wing of our house for her. She has a bedroom, another room which may be a sitting room or sewing room or study her own bathroom and a small kitchenette. You see, T was a wealthy widower when he married her and Appa grew the business. My uncles were interested in other fields and they are successful on their own. When I attained puberty at 12 years, she wanted me to sleep in her bedroom and serve all her needs. I also spent a few hours every evening with her when she taught me scriptures such as the Manusmriti and the Garudapurana and Agnipurana, especially the portions relating to a marriage, husband’s authority and how to be a good wife. From the age of 12 till I got married, I took care of all her needs. I would sweep and mop her living space, clean the bathroom, wash her clothes, make her tea or coffee and press her legs when asked to do so. All the while, she would stress the importance of obedience for a woman. She would say I should always obey Appa and Amma in everything till I get married and then obey my husband in all things.
She always kept me grounded. She would reiterate again and again that all talk of men and women being equal is rubbish. Remember girl, she would say, God created man superior to woman. Men are called to rule and women to obey. Just as your Appa rules over your Amma and the rest of the household, your husband will rule over you one day. You should always obey and respect him. It doesn’t matter what he has studied and how much he earns. YOU MUST OBEY because he’s your husband. This was repeated to me often and regularly, over and over again, over the years. She drummed into me that being an obedient wife and a good mother are the most important things for any woman and she said it should be my life’s goal. So you see, by the time I was 15, I was completely indoctrinated. I started praying for a good husband. She told me most men in our caste discipline their wives and some don’t. If my husband disciplines me, I shouldn’t resist. This too was repeated constantly.
In this regard, I not only heard it verbally, but also have seen Appa discipline Amma quite often. Amma was the next big influence. She was the main disciplinarian for all of us, even my brother, till he turned 13. With us girls, she continued to discipline us right up to when we got married. When disciplining, the first thing she would do is slap our faces. Then a series of smacks on our backs, buttocks and thighs would follow. She would also pinch hard just above the elbow. Many times, she would use the roti roller, broom, hanger and spatula to administer discipline. As you already know, S got off lightly on most occasions. L got her share and I was disciplined severely and often. P told me not to complain. The oldest child bears the most responsibility and often the oldest also got punished more because Indian parents, especially where we are from, tend to be more strict with the oldest child. At that time, I thought it was unfair, but I didn’t complain fearful of further punishment if I did. However, I’m now thankful because all those corrections helped me to become more obedient.
Appa didn’t discipline us girls often. Sometimes, he has spanked me with his belt, but always over my clothes. I even got 2-3 strokes of the cane occasionally. However, whenever my brother needed correction after 13 years of age, Appa REALLY let him have it.
Our mealtimes went like this. First, Appa and K were served. Once they had eaten, we’d clear their plates. Then all of us women would sit on the kitchen floor and have our meal. When we went out, Appa and K would walk in the front and we would follow behind. All this only reinforced male authority and superiority.
Neither P nor Amma had had any say when it came to their marriages. Their parents had finalized the groom. P only saw Thatha once before marriage. After engagement, Appa had met Amma a few times, with family members present in formal settings like a temple. That’s how most marriages are arranged in my caste even today. The parents finalize the match, then the bride and groom meet. In my case, I was allowed to speak to A for a few hours before saying yes. I’m fortunate in that I actually was given the choice to say no, but I felt comfortable with A in that first meeting and said yes.
Married life
After we got engaged, he would come and take me out almost every evening. He was very affectionate, but also firm. I got disciplined a few times before marriage too. We talked for hours. He always treated me with respect. Except for a one-sided crush on a classmate in my 12th standard, I have never had boyfriends. A is the only man who has kissed me, touched me and made love to me. He kissed me for the first time 2 days after our engagement. I was eager to respond, but also felt shy. What if he thought I was a wanton woman? But he put me at ease and I tentatively kissed back. The first time he tried to touch my breasts, I slapped his hand away, which earned me my first slap across the face. Tearfully, I said I was sorry, but all this was new to me and I didn’t know if it was right or wrong. He then hugged me gently, wiped my tears away and told me I was going to be his wife, so it was alright. He told me he’ll only make love to me after we get married. So not to worry. Just some harmless touching.
I have no previous experience to compare it to. It was all new to me. Although I had read all kinds of steamy romances, everything felt new and somewhat scary. He always put me at ease. When he put his hand downstairs for the first time over my clothes, I freaked big time. This time, he didn’t hit me. Just calmed me down. It was easy for me to fall in love with him. It happened very quickly for me. By our wedding day, I was madly in love with him. He later confessed to me he was not in love with me at that time. He liked me and had a great deal of affection for me. However, love for him came a few months into our marriage. He told me my respectful and sweet nature, willingness to obey and my quick wit and sense of humor won him over. I’m also ready for any sexual adventure and he says he loves that about me.
We have been married for nearly 2 years now. I’m happy in being a submissive wife. I never address him by name. I always call him A. I never sit in his presence unless he asks me to do so. When he does, I sit at his feet. Sometimes he pulls me into his lap, but most times, I just sit at his feet and lean my head against his thigh. I always serve him his meal first. Once he has eaten, I have my meal. When we go out, he likes to hold my hand, so I walk beside him rather than behind. I kneel and touch his feet with my forehead every morning and night. I wash his feet once a week and sprinkle the water on my head. This is called pada puja (worship of feet). I keep my head bowed when I speak with him and always try to speak in a soft voice. As for sex, he knows he can take me whenever he wants (well, a lot of the time, it’s me jumping him, but you get the picture).
Sexual dominance
A likes to pin me down and hammer into me. He also particularly enjoys slamming into me from behind when I’m on all fours. You know what? I have come to enjoy making love this way. I love being dominated by him like this. Often in the shower, he turns me towards the wall and has his way with me from behind. He uses my long braid as reins when he’s taking me when I’m on all fours. When he pins me down, I feel completely helpless and vulnerable. My place beneath his power and authority is made crystal clear. He’s my owner, my Lord and Master. He overpowers me with his strength and power. When I’m on all fours, he slams hard into me. Sometimes, he suddenly pulls my head up by my braid and thrusts into my mouth. When he does this, he sometimes comes in my mouth or when he knows he’s close, pushes me on my back and finishes inside me. By the time we’re done, the bed usually looks like a war zone.
Mind you, this is how I like it as well. He has been gentle on a few occasions, particularly on our wedding night, my birthday, etc. But I like it best when his dominance is on full display. I maybe wanton, but only for him. I have only ever belonged to him and him alone. He likes to squeeze my breasts hard and twist my nipples. I find it painful, yet arousing. He told me he was worried that I might turn out to be a prude in bed, but he’s quite happy and pleased that I’m just as eager for making love as he is. I initiate too, but somehow, he manages to turn it around and dominates me completely.
As far as discipline is concerned, both of us have written to you about how it is for us. Crux of it is, I know I need discipline to keep me on track. I know he has every right to administer discipline as he sees fit. He slaps my face often, but he’s careful while doing so. He pinches several spots on my upper arms. When he’s using his hand, he hits me on the shoulder, back of arms, back, wherever he pleases. When he’s using his belt, paddle or oh dear God, the cane, he only hits my bottom and thighs. I know he enjoys disciplining me, because I always find him aroused. I mean, he doesn’t enjoy it in a sadistic way, but when he does punish me on the bottom, I think he enjoys wielding his power over me. As for me, this is another way for him to dominate me. I feel humbled. It’s difficult to retain pride when my bare butt is being battered mercilessly and I’m crying my eyes out.
About Indian marriages
You know from previous surveys that across the country, more than 50% of women agree that discipline is acceptable. Depending on which state you’re looking at, the percentage varies between 45% and 80%. In one state, nearly 80% of women agree that it is acceptable for a man to discipline his wife. The “domestic violence” laws were introduced in 2005. Yet, till date, India has one of the lowest numbers of reported “domestic violence” cases. So, I leave you to draw your own conclusions. My humble opinion here is that a few decades of feminism and liberalism cannot and will not undo centuries of traditions and practices.
Several castes across India remain strictly patriarchal and will continue to do so. The feminists and liberals are in a minority, but they make the most noise and unfortunately, the government is bowing down to their pressure. However, laws can only go so far. Women by and large understand that their husbands have the right to discipline them. So most of the time, the efforts of NGOs and do-gooders to break up the family in the name of women’s empowerment fails. I’m proud to say that India’s divorce rate is the lowest in the world. And we’re talking about a country of 1.5 BILLION people.
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