Is spanking your wife abuse, and if not, at what point does it become abuse? The idea that spanking an adult female in marriage is abuse is virtually assumed by a large segment of society. Others accept that if done consensually it is not abuse, but certainly are worried it may be used in a way which they understand as abuse. Even those such as myself who avoid such labels as abuse want to assure that spanking is done rightly, and not wrongly, within a marriage. From my standpoint, abuse is a virtually useless word, since it has been used too liberally and broadly, and is used to label anything you don’t like as evil. It cannot distinguish a man’s rightful authority and use of discipline or meaningful criticism from insulting putdowns, a bar fight, or a late night back-alley stabbing. It just lumps all things together. For that reason, I will examine the question apart from such a useless word as abuse. Is spanking inherently unjust or cruel, and if not, then at what point could it be used wrongly? I’ll look at those questions from an objective lens, as well as from a subjective angle.
To begin with, the big question of whether one is “abusing” another boils down to that person’s worth. One could equally ask, is it wrong to murder a human being, and why? The answer would likewise tie into the value of human life. Why is it wrong to violate, harm, murder, or treat with less than full dignity? The answer lies in our fundamental worth: we are made in the image of God. We have dignity. We have worth which animals, plants, and rocks do not have. We should all be treated with human respect as a result of the image of God within us. In fact, the Bible prescribes execution for those who murder a human being based on the fact we have this unique dignity. It even prescribes culling any animal that kills a human being as well.
“Surely for your lifeblood I will demand a reckoning; from the hand of every beast I will require it, and from the hand of man. From the hand of every man’s brother I will require the life of man.
“Whoever sheds man’s blood, By man his blood shall be shed; For in the image of God He made man.
Genesis 9:5-6
This protection against murder, and most severe punishment for committing murder, reflect the same reason we should not mistreat a human being in other ways. God gave man His image, and we are all brothers and sisters in that human family. The rest of the moral law is reflected in this. Ethics and justice reflect this. We respect a man’s property, and do not steal from him. We do not cause him bodily harm. We do not cheat him, or commit fraud. We do not tell tales about him, or bear false witness against him. We help him if he is in need. We share with him if he is poor. We rebuke him if he does evil, for the sake of protecting the entire community. We do not lead him into poverty by practicing usury. We pay the worker his wages when he needs them. We practice honest justice, not wavering in favor of the rich or the poor, and not taking a bribe to change a ruling.
Likewise, the source of this law which respects man’s dignity — Almighty God — is continually honored. We worship Him. We speak in praise and honor of His character and doings. We do not worship other gods, practice idolatry, or turn to witchcraft for our solutions. We depend wholly on God, who is good, who is the source of the moral law, who cares immensely for mankind more than we could imagine. We treat mankind, and in fact ALL of His glorious creation, with great respect. God made it all and He has a purpose for all of it.
What this means for mankind regarding husbands and wives is this: both spouses respect the human dignity of the other. The husband, as leader and protector, is responsible to care for the ultimate good of his wife. He provides for the home and protects her from harm. He helps her to grow as a woman of God. He keeps evil influences away from causing his wife impurity. He makes sure that the Author and Creator of all life is honored daily in the home, through worship, prayer, service, and Bible study. This manifests and puts into practice his respect for his wife and children. It shows ultimately a respect for the good of humanity and a love of God.
The use of discipline to correct his wife fits within the husband’s overall good purpose. It fits within the instructions he has to love and honor his wife in Scripture. This is clear firstly by the fact the husband has legitimate authority. Discipline is normative to authority, and no authority could function regularly without it. Punishment is not assault and battery, any more than arrest by a police officer is assault and battery. It is a discipline system put into practice by the one who has a right to do so. If there is not discipline those under authority can disobey at will. Therefore, in using discipline he is not doing so for his own personal gain, but as a normal function of using authority.
Discipline is also used within basic principles of justice. It punishes real infractions, or ongoing poor behavior. It’s geared towards the purposes of punishing an offense — paying the penalty which is due — as well as reforming the offender. Spanking is further a form of discipline which is both endorsed and mandated by Almighty God in Scripture multiple times. This shows beyond a doubt that there is nothing fundamentally cruel or unjust in this form of discipline itself. It is just enough for God. It is loving enough for God. The claim this form of punishment immediately becomes wrong when used on an adult female in marriage is truly irrational, and has no basis. Considering its backing in Scripture, we know that spanking is a legitimate expression of loving and fair discipline.
It is not “abuse” as society calls it.
On examination, you will almost always find that those who make the wrong accusation of abuse are the ones who actually support violence. Nearly all will support the use of divorce, which unlike a spanking, is very cruel, and has long-lasting negative effects on man, wife, and children. God calls divorce an act of bloody violence, but they don’t care. They endorse it anyway, even making jokes about wife-spanking husbands being divorced by their wives. The don’t care about the pain involved or the long-term harm. They further support using the violence of the state to mandate that one spouse (usually the man) pays the other spouse money, and that one spouse (usually the man) gets the see his children far less often than the other spouse. The state backs this with violence, obviously, since if you do not pay up and if you do not give up your children, they will come and use force to lock you in chains, and make you do what they say. Those who spout loudly about “abuse” also support violence by locking people in prison, for real and alleged wrongs. Such violence has far more negative consequences for people than a spanking does, ones which last years, and can lead to serious injury or death. But they do not care. They continue to back these practices, all the while pretending a woman is being wronged because a man spanked her dear tender bottom. For these reasons and more, accusations of abuse come from the biggest hypocrites in the world. For what they endorse highlights just how humane, loving, forgiving, and fair a spanking really is. Spanking solves a problem without the incredible harm which the punishments they promote cause. It is truly a fair and reasonable form of righting a wrong.
At what point could a spanking become wrong? Neither the Bible nor logic give us a precise description of all the lines which border a just spanking, and delineate it from an unjust one, or which delineate a reasonable one from a cruel one. Nevertheless, we do have a few basic points that can guide us: A spanking should not be injurious in any serious sense. In fact, the Bible even mandates that a slave go free if his master harm him enough to seriously injure him. Even a hard spanking should leave no more than surface damage, which is passing in a few days or a week. A spanking should be for a real offense, and not merely because the head of the home is angry or annoyed. This is not much different from the fact that civic justice should be based on the law, and not the personality of the law giver, and also reflects that the Christian ought to be loving, self-controlled, and considerate of the good of others. In a similar vein, the point of the spanking should not be to inflict as much immense pain as possible, but to provide as harsh a punishment as necessary to punish the bad behavior, and to provide a deterrent against it well into the future. It’s not about reaching peak pain, but providing an experience she will wish were over, and which she will not want to repeat. The verbal correction during discipline, while it needs to be clear and stern, should be filled with legitimate and useful correction, and not with insult and putdowns. Insult and putdowns are often based on anger or pride, and are a little verbal attempt at murder. They demean, and seek to make another person nothing, or make them seem less than human. The husband’s verbal correction should fit within his loving goal to correct the errant wife, help her see the seriousness of her wrong, instill real remorse, and lead her to commit sincerely to good behavior. The discipline, while given by the husband, is all oriented towards the good of the wife. It’s not for kicks. It’s for correction.
If we recognize these key points, there is no serious risk that wife spanking is abusive, by any meaningful standard of the term. It is neither cruel nor unjust. It respects the wife’s dignity and is done with care and self control. Like any discipline it works for the good of the offender, protects the home from harm, and restores the offender to full standing and peace. This is fully rooted in the legitimate authority the man has in the home, and not in his personality or personal desires. Discipline fully respects the image of God in women, just as God respects our dignity when He chastises us, and does so with more love than we could imagine. Often a spanking is exactly what a wife needs. It can turn a home around very quickly, and clear the air of hostility and conflict. A woman who is led, loved, and disciplined knows that she is cherished by her husband, who is there, after all, to manifest the love of God.
Note: I want to thank our readers again for the support you have offered as I rebuilt my website on two new platforms. It has been a lot of work, and I am not done yet. I could not have done it without you.
For those who are opposed to marital discipline, I respond to various objections both secular and Christian in my articles here and here.
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.