The aspect of fear is present to some degree in any discipline system. Facing a spanking can be a trial, both because of the coming pain, and because of the ego being taken a step down. It’s one reason disciplined wives try to avoid a spanking, and one reason it is a deterrent. A hard time over her husband’s knee ought to spark some level of fear. Some couples find that fear is the negative in the system, perhaps dampening their ability to talk through a problem, or inspiring a woman to be dishonest to avoid discipline. They look at the possible negative results of fear, apart from the positive, and wish this element away. They may reject discipline entirely for this reason. I would say rather that fear is unavoidable in any discipline, and in the long-term is a positive, despite being inherently hard to handle.
Many people expect marriage to be a casual friendship, and for matters to always be mutually talked out. This can lead to some wrong expectations, including this wrong expectation: that fear cannot come into play. But of course it can, if one is faced with punishment. Fear is not the purpose of marriage, and should not reflect the overall spirit of it. A wife should not need to fear her husband daily. However, if you do evil, there are good reasons to be afraid. If you have earned a punishment, a punishment itself is generally worth fearing. If it’s not, it won’t be much of a deterrent. The husband is not a casual friend to his wife, but a lord to her. Just as Christ is Lord to the Church, promising both love and brotherhood, and also the torment of fires for those who do evil. A husband does the right thing to punish wrongdoing, and he must. In fact, if the lord of the home didn’t care if his wife misbehaved, he would be an uncaring, apathetic, or weak lord. Those are hardly positives. Nor does apathy in the face of evil amount to love. So while many things in marriage are talked out, and while friendship is one level of the marriage union, fear can have a natural part to play if a wife behaves badly. It is short term. It will be over soon. But it’s there for a reason, and it should be there. You just need to face the fear, confess your wrong with an apology, and accept your husband’s discipline.
There is also the possibility that fear may inspire a woman to lie to escape getting in trouble. She otherwise would not have lied, but because of a possible discipline she chooses to. It is indeed a risk inherent to fear, but not one that greatly damages discipline as a whole. Any discipline system will inspire some fear, and hence open the door to possible dishonesty. A criminal may choose to be dishonest to avoid the arm of the law. A child may lie to his parents to avoid getting caught. Yet the benefits of discipline, spanking or otherwise, are good enough that it continues to function as it should, regardless of this negative opportunity. We don’t drop our criminal code because evil doers might lie to law enforcement. Similarly, we don’t drop discipline in the home for that reason. A woman who respects her husband and who takes her roles seriously — both as a woman of God and as a submissive wife — will never lie to her man. She knows that is both sinful, and that it greatly disrespects him as her head.
Most husbands will also punish lying more harshly than other misdeeds. It is up near the top. For this reason, it is unwise to try this to avoid punishment. I have only had to spank my wife one time for lying, and it was based on her fear as well. She lied because she thought she’d get spanked. As it turned out, it was something that I probably would not have punished her for, but now I absolutely had to. I explained that to her, and also made sure she made a confession to God for lying, since unlike breaking other regulations, it is sinful itself. Lying got her into much more trouble than she would have been, and she ended up with a long paddling that left her sore for a week. Before I had her go over my knee I asked her — did lying get you out of trouble? She answered no. Did lying create more trouble for you? She said, yes sir. Then she had to receive the consequences.
There is a connected question of whether a woman is obliged to tell her husband if she did something wrong in private. Naturally, she may not want to tell him, if she suspects a spanking will become involved. While no one on earth practices total and complete transparency, and while we don’t ethically need to reveal every detail of our behavior, if a wife has a confident idea that her wrong violates her husband’s instructions, then she should tell him. She should admit it, apologize, and let him handle it. He is responsible for correcting her, even if he does not see everything she does. A virtuous wife will admit her wrongs, and this helps her husband do his job in overseeing her, including his job in correction. It’s possible a private wrong was not serious and won’t result in punishment, and it’s possible it will. But she should be forthright if she thinks it’s among the behavior he handles.
In facing fear of punishment, it’s important to remember what is much more to be afraid of. The dangers of the bad behavior are far more harmful than a spanking. The dangers of conflict in marriage, or a separation are far more worthy of causing fear. Even the consequences of serious resistance or running from a punishment themselves end with worse results than a tanned bottom. The punished wife, however fearful of being spanked, needs to bend over with the full knowledge that what she’s about to get is the least of harms out there. It is just as well. It will bring peace very soon. She needs to remember the pain, chaos, and conflict caused by her behavior, and accept the sting of the strap as a very minor taste of what could have happened otherwise. It is the least thing to be feared.
I know fear is much maligned. I know it is hard to experience the foreboding of a coming spanking, alongside the mystery of what will happen. A woman might feel some queasiness, be deeply ashamed, or be in tears thinking about it. Her situation unpleasantly brings her guilt to the forefront. However, those difficult feelings are not the disease. The wrongdoing or possible rebelliousness is the disease. A punishment is a part of the long-term healing process, as is the uneasiness of anticipating it. The spanking is the medicine. The most important thing is not trying to avoid your responsibility, or thinking of ways to get out of it. It’s in facing up inside to your wrong attitudes and wrong choices, and knowing your husband is working to heal you. You will feel peace shortly. You will feel free of guilt shortly. Let it inspire real remorse, and take full responsibility for your unfortunate situation. Confess. Offer your apology. And let your husband handle you.
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