Couples who introduce authority and discipline to their marriage, whether at the start, or years after getting married, are likely to run into many of the same hurdles in getting started, as well as in seeing the rewards. Good fruit will nearly always come from headship and discipline in the long run, but there will always be passing mistakes to learn from. The challenges that arrive might make husband or wife doubt their decision to move forward with it. A few may give up because they do not intend to persevere over challenges. I want to reassure you than in nearly all instances these early challenges can be overcome, and you can enjoy the rewards, often more quickly than you expected. It can often take a matter of months, and sometimes a few years. Just be aware that the challenges you face are common ones, and that you are not alone.
Let me go over a few of the commonest hurdles for men, women, and couples. You’ve probably encountered a few of these already, if you are in a traditional marriage:
Women tend to stumble at a few of these obstacles as they learn submission:
1. They have to overcome backtalk and attitude that does not disappear overnight: Women with an itch to disrespect their men will find that itch returns, even if they want to be submissive. They’ll find it returns even once they have been disciplined. It usually takes regular, firm spanking to start to cut down on a woman’s compulsive mouthing off. Some men use mouthsoaping for sins of the tongue. It also takes her fuller embrace of her submissive role, and some practice in applying that submission daily. It takes love, trust, and regular sexual training over time. A bad attitude will get better, but do not expect immediate results. Spank as regularly as she needs it.
2. They try too hard to be perfect: Women who commit themselves to being their husband’s helper often take their role to the point of perfection, and get too hard on themselves if they fail in small matters. This feeling may also be heightened if they fear discipline too much, or get disciplined for small infractions. A woman should learn she can fulfill her role, and make her husband happy simply through her efforts and her obedience. Everyone will fail sometimes, and she is in good company if she does. Small failures don’t make her a poor wife, nor should they earn her discipline.
3: They fall into the idea they need to be completely passive: Some women mistake submission for complete passivity. As a result, they even have trouble learning what real submission is, or at least how to apply it in their home and their marriage. A woman should know it’s acceptable for her to express her ideas, and to communicate with her husband. She can even express a differing opinion, so long as it is given gently and with respect, and in no way undercuts her husband’s decisions. Her thoughts and ideas are valuable in marriage, and they help her husband as well.
4: They innately resist sexual submission: A woman who finds it easy to follow her husband’s commands may still find an innate resistance to submitting to him sexually. Often the marriage bed is where women are most able to express their softness to their husbands, but this is not always the case, as a woman may view following sexual commands, or serving her husband sexually as a great humiliation. Being on her knees or bent over by her husband translate into an insult. Rather than see it as embracing their roles, they see it as as put down. While there may be a humbling aspect in her sexual service, it is not innately demeaning, as her body belongs to her husband, and he has a right to enjoy it. If she can express her submission to her husband through her obedience daily, she can learn that she expresses the same thing with her body, and is simply showing it to him in a different way. Women who resist sexual submission usually overcome it with time and repeated practice. She will learn to give up on pride. She will learn to give fully of her body without resistance on her husband’s command.
5. They react with fear: Fear is an innate instinct in anyone. It’s not uncommon for women to react with fear when faced with a spanking, even if they understand in their minds they deserve one, and even if they are committed to submission. They may even resist a spanking, or run from one. It takes a force of will to overcome this natural reaction, as well as trust, and a commitment to her role. She has to make a deep decision in her soul not to be ruled by reactions, and to fully trust her husband to govern her. These strong reactions will go away with time, just as trust will be built with time. Then facing a spanking will not result in significant resistance, although it’s natural to experience some level of fear of coming pain.
Men have to overcome ordinary challenges like these:
1. They do not want to be consistent with discipline: Men often find other things to do than expend the energy to instruct and spank their wives. It can take time out of an evening. It can sap energy after a tiring day at work. Men slide into the easy route at times and only spank when something is extremely destructive, or when she begs for it. However, a man who has recognized the importance of his leadership, knows his guidance of his wife is worth the energy. It is a duty. He makes sure he takes the time weekly to give her instructions, and finds the time to discipline her when she’s earned it. The key is in respecting it as his responsibility, and in planning the time for taking care of it. He should keep in mind the important rewards for rightly guiding his wife, and the negative consequences when he does not.
2. They are too light in correcting their wives: Men today have been trained never to hurt a woman, so if they begin spanking their wives, they often start very light, and are overly concerned about leaving marks or hurting her. This often misses the whole point of discipline, as a punishment needs to be undesirable. It should make her sorry for what she did, and not want to do it again. Some mild tapping on the behind rarely accomplishes it. Men should know it’s okay to cause a woman pain during her chastisement, and that her tears are natural, and even good for her. They need not be afraid of leaving marks, which are minor and will heal with time. Just practice some common sense safety, and she will be alright. She needs your firm hand on her behind over and over to correct her.
3. They sometimes try to regulate too much: Rule making can tend to multiply. Once a man realizes how much behavior could possibly go wrong, he gets tempted to invent rules for everything, and with rules, punishment for many things. This approach can be counter productive, as it not only sets an impossible standard for his wife, but it becomes very involved and time consuming for him. He should trust that not every behavior needs regulation, and simply set some general rules for obviously bad behavior and disobedience. The rails he sets for his wife should involve her submission, obedience, respect, and fulfillment of her responsibilities. Minor failures and passing mistakes are common to everyone, and don’t need punishment.
4. They spank too harshly: Likewise, men can slip into being overly harsh in discipline, and spanking to the point of danger or injury. This my result from not knowing how to manage his own strength, or it may come from spanking in anger, thus being uncontrolled. Men need to learn how to handle their strength. They need to find that line between mild and extreme force. This will come with experience. He will learn to gauge his wife’s reactions, the state of her bottom while being spanked, and the amount of strength he puts into each stroke of the spanking. It’s not difficult to learn to give a hard and cleansing spanking, without causing lasting harm. Over time he fine tunes that ability to give a milder or severer spanking to better fit the infraction.
5. They misinterpret simple questions from their wives as attitude: Men learning to be leaders sometimes become overly defensive and view a wife expressing her ideas as a form of rebellion. This is especially true if she has had trouble with attitude in the past, and has shown him she may rebel. However, a man needs to lead with calm. He needs to be assured of his own strength, and not necessarily expect that questions or alternate ideas from his wife amount to a bad attitude. He can hear her out. See why she is saying what she is saying, and make his decision with time. If he wants to hear no more on a matter, he can say it is settled. However, it is wrong to assume that simple communication is rebellion, and can stifle a wife from making valuable contributions.
Couples as a whole find they face challenges like these:
1. They have to overcome distrust: Many fits and starts when learning to live out authority in marriage result from a lack of trust. Women become fearful, or do not trust in their husband’s love for them. Men worry about failure, that their wife won’t listen to them, or think she’s doing wrong when she is not. Placing the necessary trust in your spouse is central to headship and discipline. Trusting in their love and good will prevents many poor decisions, and negative outbursts. Handle your role, as husband or wife, as a responsibility, and focus on doing what you need to do. That by itself will help your spouse to trust you. Express your love and devotion regularly, and be intimate regularly. If there is a mistake, apologize, and move on. All of these will build trust.
2. They hang on to anger or resentment: An important part in taking care of problems in marriage is letting the past be the past. Couples who want to relive failures of the past, or hang onto anger over past sins, will cause stumbling in the relationship. Spanking in marriage, when done right, is an excellent tool in putting things in the past, to be forgotten about. It points the way to a more stable and peaceful future. However, it requires both spouses to recognize that once an act is punished, or forgiven, it shouldn’t be in our mind anymore. We live in the present. The only thing that matters is doing our job, and loving the other. Some things, once taken care of, should not be mentioned.
3. They might give up when hard times come: Either man and wife might view difficulty in establishing headship and submission, or difficult in dealing with discipline, as an excuse to give up. It should not be. Know that your failures are normal and are a part of the learning process. Know that successful couples went through the same difficulties as you, and persevered. Having a wife who slides back into disrespect, or a husband who hasn’t learned to discipline well, doesn’t mean you have failed. it means you need more time to learn. It happens to nearly everyone.
I have heard from many couples who praise discipline for what it has done for their marriage. They had peace come to their marriage, and much greater closeness, when the man took charge clearly, and then began to discipline his wife. But each of these couples who sing praises of this order in marriage also had to persevere over time. They had to wait for some of its benefits to appear. It took sacrifice, work, learning, and making adjustments. If you don’t realize that, it will be tempting to quit early on. But that is exactly the time you need to be learning, and more fully embracing your roles. Fulfillment of all of its goals will come with time, and you can be confident of that. Take pleasure in the small rewards you see in the short term, and know that you will see more as you grow in leadership and submission. You will be beautifully one, acting in harmony and with love.
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